Attempt number 3 or Riding a Concrete Wave..........

Okay! It's been 2 weeks after my last attempt and I am feeling pretty good. I got some material lined up in my head and I am cracking myself up as I drive up to Looney Bin. Oh it's going to be a good night. I hope that they forgive me for messing up last time. I arrive and see Brandon P. there waiting outside. He yells at me that I am a fag. That just his way to show his love. We chat, a few more funny people show up and they open the door to let us in. Everything is good so far but I haven't met anyone who works there yet. The girl at the front lets me sign up, yay! She didn't say anything to me about last time. Whoo hoo, still feeling good. Let's see how the barkeep BJ feels. I order a beer (sticking to beer folks no shots!) "Hey BJ, how is it going?" I say. "Oh going pretty good." he replies. "Hey last time you were here, your buddy, we had to throw him and his brother out." "WHAT??" I exclaim. "I just met that dude that night." I think this is maybe not a good thing. I explain I just met that guy, James, there last time and I haven't seen him since. Oh boy, I hope I am not associated with this guy forever.

Time to go in and pick the order of tonight's comics. I figure since I was such a dickhead last time, I will bite the bullet and go first. Done deal. I am on first. I don't mind. If I can warm up a cold crowd a little I figure that is a good test of my comedy skills. Quite a few people are there to get their 4 minutes in on Wednesday night. This should be a good show. I don't even know who the headliner is but it's got to be decent. I'm going back to have some more beers and psych myself up a little. I feel like this will be the best show yet. I got the material outlined in my head. I am just going to start the first story and let it take me where it may. "Oh shit!" I think to myself as I see the owner lady walk by. She is the one who makes the rules. I heard she is the owner. She is definitely telling people what to do. She is my last hurdle to get on stage if I am going to perform this night. I pretend to look away so she won't notice me. Don't want to draw attention to myself. As I sit at the bar, I see her go in and out of the stage area a few times. Then it happens. I see her come out of the door, this time with more authority in her stance, more purpose in her walk. She goes to the guy who is hosting and points her finger to the order list while her other hand is cocked back into a fist resting on her hip very manner of factly. I can read their lips, well not really, at least not until they say my name, "Damon Waters" as she and the host glance up and look right at me as they both say my name. I was already looking at them so I raise my beer to say hi, then the host summons me over with his finger. As I walk over to him, the owner storms back into the stage area, where it is very dark. "She wants to see you in there." he says while pointing to the stage area. I have that flighty feeling in my chest and everything is slow motion. A little tingly all over. I walk through the door. I am scared shitless.

"You are not going on my stage tonight!" she growls at me while pointing her finger in my face. "Not after that shit you pulled last time. You were up there on a roll, doing your thing. Then you broke into 'Fuck this shit' or whatever it was you said and that's like spitting my face. Do you understand me?" I nod and say "Yes." "You are suspended until after April 1st." "Okay." I submissively say. ""Okay" she whips as she spins around to finish whatever she needs to get done before the show. I walk back to the bar, head hung low, heartbroken and defeated. "She said I was on a roll!"

Brandon knows what happened. I tell him I am going to leave and say goodbye. "Don't leave he says." "Well she told me to..." I realize she didn't kick me out. "Ask her if you can stay for the show. Show her that you want to be here." "Yes. I will do that" (thanks Brandon). I go back to her, still scared, but determined. I tell her "I know I did a stupid, shithead thing last time, and I won't bother you with why I did it. I hope you can forgive me and I want to stay and see the show if you will let me." She kind of cracks a half grin, like she is thinking "Oh god you dumb little shithead, I don't give two shits about you but I don't care if you wanna stay. I know you are trying to brown nose me" "Yeah you can stay" she says as she whips back off into the darkness of the stage area. Seriously its dark in there.
I stay for the local comics and thought everyone did pretty good. The whole time though I felt stupid and dumb. I decide I will treat myself to some Asian Zing traditional wings from Buffalo Wild Wings. I just realized Asian Zing kinda sounds a little racist.

I got to BBW and well I will let the video below speak for itself. I realize I sound stupid in it and I am sorry. I am a dumbass half the time. The other half I am a dickhead. I did get my wings free though so.............

Oh yes I decided I am ready for people to come and see me if they so desire. I will invite everyone to a show soon. Sometime after April 1st.

Number 2! Trouble in the Looney Bin.......

I always thought it would NOT be a good idea to have shots before I was to get up on stage. So why did I think this night it would be okay? Well I will tell you. IT WAS A BAD DAY! All around bad day at work, a customer came back with a bug on a product I have been trying to get rid of forever, the day before good people were fired, I am changing teams at work and my awesome boss won't be my boss anymore. Then to top it off I get to the Looney Bin early. The woman at the front desk was a snot to me when I asked if I could sign-up for open mic. "Not until I turn on the light out front" she snapped in a ghetto-fabulous manner. MY BAD! I had to go stand outside for 8 minutes until she turned that light on. Once I got inside I met up with a few of the comedians from last time and the bartender, BJ. BJ is super nice, cool guy and I chatted with him and ordered a Modello. I had wondered if any of the other comedians from last time would remember me. Its been a month since I was last here. The snow and a few other obligations prevented me from making it back in. A guy that I haven't seen before came up and ordered a Bob Marley, which is like a Long Island except instead of Coke it has raspberry in it. WHAT? I love Raspberry so I got one too. It was good. I ordered another one, forgetting that Long Island has 28 different liquors in it. As I proceed to drink, 2 people I remember from last time came up, Rundus and Leah. I have seen Rundus perform a few time and befriended him on facebook after my first time up. I didn't know if he would remember me or not for sure, but we said what's up and chatted a little. Leah is cool. I guess the owners or managers of the Looney Bin put her in charge of running the amateurs on Wednesday nights. But that's not why she is cool. She is cool because she farted right at the bar in front of everyone, then gave warning for us to run away. What girl does that? Gotta be cool.

Time to go and decide on the order we are going on and go over the rules. Remember to keep it clean and pay attention to when they shine a flash light in your eyes to tell you when your time is up. I get fourth this time. I like it. I like the idea of not going on first but I would have. No biggie. Who is going to go first though? This one guys, James, raises his hand and says he will go on first. "Cool." I think to myself and we go out back to the bar area. This guy James, he is loud. He is with his brother and I over hear him talking because he is loud and I get this whole "I don't give a shit vibe" off if him. Reminds me of someone. Any who, I hear him say he hates facebook and mentions something I though was funny and he and I start talking. "Let me buy you a shot" he says. Always on the lookout for friends and feeling pretty good already I oblige. After that I say of course "Let ME buy YOU a shot" and I get him and his brother a shot and we all start talking bullshit and making jokes and laughing and a few shots go back and fourth. Remember I am thinking these shots are going to be a GREAT idea. Yeah so...lets finish it off wish a shot of tequila. That will smooth me out and make everything cool. Things are starting to get kind of blurry FYI.

James goes onto stage and I can't tell you one thing he said. All I remember is that I was recording it but my phone did not save it. I might have hit the wrong button and James if you ever read this I was planning on sending your performance to you but it's gone. Also they DJ is shining the flash light at James but he is not seeing it and I feel real uncomfortable for him because he is on stage too long and I can feel the tension from the other comics. Finally he sees the light though and gets off stage. Oh and I got bumped to 3rd. No problem. My turn. I don't remember what I started off with or what I ended up with. I remember I went into this story about a daydream I had when I was at the dentist where we have teeth in our buttholes. I think this makes sense because we can chew our poop and make it easy to dispose of, but going to the dentist is a different experience. Also its a nightmare to floss, not to mention brushing. Also these teeth really fuck up anal sex. Then I realize I am not at the dentist but at the proctologist anyways and he has his finger in my butt. I am getting some laughs but I can't tell if they are pity laughs from the audience or James and his brother laughing. I also point out the fact that I am Native American. I told myself going into this that I didn't want to play up my race but I find myself talking about it anyways. I say something like "Who here has Indian in them?" because I know most people in Oklahoma are going to say "I do." "How did this happen? Some Indians must have really gotten around back in the day HAHAHAHA......or a lot of RAPE. Not only did I make a rape joke but potentially I made a joke about my great,great,great Grandma getting raped, which is not cool. Guess what, my dumb ass forgets to look for the flashlight as well. I told them audience I was to keep it clean, then I go "Fuck that bullshit." I am so awesomely a dickhead. As soon as I got off stage I realize what has happened and I feel mortified. I really have to go to the bathroom when Brandon gets up. He comes out of the stage area as I am about to enter and I ask "How did it go?" "Horrible" he says. "Your buddy in there heckled me" "Oh Shit" I think. If there is one thing I know is that heckling is a huge dick move. Not to mention to heckle another comedian. I try and tell Brandon that I just met that guy and don't condone what he did. I see James come out and apologize to Brandon but I am thinking I should just get the hell out of there. So I apologize for cussing and going long to Leah and the owner/manager lady and bolt. I got the BWW on Expressway and go to pee in the woman's bathroom. Didn't know I was in the wrong bathroom until I was exiting and a woman came in and said "Oh I thought this was the woman's bathroom." I tell her she is wrong as we both look at the woman's sign on the door at the same time.

Stand up time number 2 is over. LESSON LEARNED. Don't try to push yourself on a bad day, don't do fucking shots, and don't piss in the wrong bathroom. Ah... comedy.

My First Attempt........

All my life I have been into stand-up comedy. Probably like most people though. I mean who doesn't love to laugh. Always been my dream to get up on stage and make people laugh. So here it goes I am going to try and see what happens right? I live in Oklahoma City, which is known across the country as a hot bed of comedy. Nope, that is a lie. Although I think there is a comedy movement happening in this city. You have to pay attention to know its going on though. There are a few places that will allow you to get up and do comedy as an amateur and one that I have known about for some time, The Looney Bin. Wednesday night is open mic night. So I got up the balls to go and do it.

First night, first time! Stand up virgin is me. After having a few after work drinks with my wife and friends, I am jetting across town to get to the Looney Bin before 7:00 (2 Beers in an hour is all folks calm down!). I didn't want any of my friends to come because I want to try out to a non-biased crowd. Plus I feel more pressure from my friends and family than anyone. I met a friend named Zach who has been doing stand up for a couple of years now through my brother-in-law. I look up to Zach cause he is A) Funny B) Doing the damn thing. He is doing stand-up all over OKC and Norman. It's nice knowing someone that does this so I can get an idea of what to expect and how shit operates. I get to the LB and I am the last person to sign-up apparently. They only allow a certain number of people to perform and I was the last one to get there before 7:15 to sign-up (whew). I go into the bar area where the other comics are. I see Zach and say "hi". He is sitting with some people I have seen do stand-up before around town. It's a little circle of comedian friends. I wonder "Will I get to know these people?" I don't want to seem as though I am hanging all over Zach so I go to the bar and talk with the bar tender and meet a few other people who are there. After a bit we go into the stage area and they go over the rules. You get 4 1/2 minutes to perform and you have to keep in clean rated R. I don't know why that is exactly. I think it's juts like the liquor laws here in this state, dumb. But who am I to argue? OK, so now its time to decide what order we are to go on. A few people jump up "I want 7th!" "I'll go 4th!" I am after so-and-so" The only spot left was first. FUCK. "Oh well" I say, I'll do it.

I only had one joked planned. One I wrote sitting in the dentist chair earlier in the day about how, unlike other people, I like going to the dentist cause.........the dentist will FUCK YOU UP! I opened with that. I heard a few chuckles and thought "Oh shit this is going to not end up well at all" Then I just started talking about whatever and I think I did okay. I heard one girl in the audience laugh really loud a few times which felt great. She really liked when I talked about my wife pooping with the door open. So....it wasn't bad. Wasn't the greatest but I got some laughs and that's all I wanted. I stayed around for the rest of the show and had a great time. Great night. Even though it was only 4 1/2 minutes I felt very fulfilled and accomplished.