I always thought it would NOT be a good idea to have shots before I was to get up on stage. So why did I think this night it would be okay? Well I will tell you. IT WAS A BAD DAY! All around bad day at work, a customer came back with a bug on a product I have been trying to get rid of forever, the day before good people were fired, I am changing teams at work and my awesome boss won't be my boss anymore. Then to top it off I get to the Looney Bin early. The woman at the front desk was a snot to me when I asked if I could sign-up for open mic. "Not until I turn on the light out front" she snapped in a ghetto-fabulous manner. MY BAD! I had to go stand outside for 8 minutes until she turned that light on. Once I got inside I met up with a few of the comedians from last time and the bartender, BJ. BJ is super nice, cool guy and I chatted with him and ordered a Modello. I had wondered if any of the other comedians from last time would remember me. Its been a month since I was last here. The snow and a few other obligations prevented me from making it back in. A guy that I haven't seen before came up and ordered a Bob Marley, which is like a Long Island except instead of Coke it has raspberry in it. WHAT? I love Raspberry so I got one too. It was good. I ordered another one, forgetting that Long Island has 28 different liquors in it. As I proceed to drink, 2 people I remember from last time came up, Rundus and Leah. I have seen Rundus perform a few time and befriended him on facebook after my first time up. I didn't know if he would remember me or not for sure, but we said what's up and chatted a little. Leah is cool. I guess the owners or managers of the Looney Bin put her in charge of running the amateurs on Wednesday nights. But that's not why she is cool. She is cool because she farted right at the bar in front of everyone, then gave warning for us to run away. What girl does that? Gotta be cool.
Time to go and decide on the order we are going on and go over the rules. Remember to keep it clean and pay attention to when they shine a flash light in your eyes to tell you when your time is up. I get fourth this time. I like it. I like the idea of not going on first but I would have. No biggie. Who is going to go first though? This one guys, James, raises his hand and says he will go on first. "Cool." I think to myself and we go out back to the bar area. This guy James, he is loud. He is with his brother and I over hear him talking because he is loud and I get this whole "I don't give a shit vibe" off if him. Reminds me of someone. Any who, I hear him say he hates facebook and mentions something I though was funny and he and I start talking. "Let me buy you a shot" he says. Always on the lookout for friends and feeling pretty good already I oblige. After that I say of course "Let ME buy YOU a shot" and I get him and his brother a shot and we all start talking bullshit and making jokes and laughing and a few shots go back and fourth. Remember I am thinking these shots are going to be a GREAT idea. Yeah so...lets finish it off wish a shot of tequila. That will smooth me out and make everything cool. Things are starting to get kind of blurry FYI.
James goes onto stage and I can't tell you one thing he said. All I remember is that I was recording it but my phone did not save it. I might have hit the wrong button and James if you ever read this I was planning on sending your performance to you but it's gone. Also they DJ is shining the flash light at James but he is not seeing it and I feel real uncomfortable for him because he is on stage too long and I can feel the tension from the other comics. Finally he sees the light though and gets off stage. Oh and I got bumped to 3rd. No problem. My turn. I don't remember what I started off with or what I ended up with. I remember I went into this story about a daydream I had when I was at the dentist where we have teeth in our buttholes. I think this makes sense because we can chew our poop and make it easy to dispose of, but going to the dentist is a different experience. Also its a nightmare to floss, not to mention brushing. Also these teeth really fuck up anal sex. Then I realize I am not at the dentist but at the proctologist anyways and he has his finger in my butt. I am getting some laughs but I can't tell if they are pity laughs from the audience or James and his brother laughing. I also point out the fact that I am Native American. I told myself going into this that I didn't want to play up my race but I find myself talking about it anyways. I say something like "Who here has Indian in them?" because I know most people in Oklahoma are going to say "I do." "How did this happen? Some Indians must have really gotten around back in the day HAHAHAHA......or a lot of RAPE. Not only did I make a rape joke but potentially I made a joke about my great,great,great Grandma getting raped, which is not cool. Guess what, my dumb ass forgets to look for the flashlight as well. I told them audience I was to keep it clean, then I go "Fuck that bullshit." I am so awesomely a dickhead. As soon as I got off stage I realize what has happened and I feel mortified. I really have to go to the bathroom when Brandon gets up. He comes out of the stage area as I am about to enter and I ask "How did it go?" "Horrible" he says. "Your buddy in there heckled me" "Oh Shit" I think. If there is one thing I know is that heckling is a huge dick move. Not to mention to heckle another comedian. I try and tell Brandon that I just met that guy and don't condone what he did. I see James come out and apologize to Brandon but I am thinking I should just get the hell out of there. So I apologize for cussing and going long to Leah and the owner/manager lady and bolt. I got the BWW on Expressway and go to pee in the woman's bathroom. Didn't know I was in the wrong bathroom until I was exiting and a woman came in and said "Oh I thought this was the woman's bathroom." I tell her she is wrong as we both look at the woman's sign on the door at the same time.
Stand up time number 2 is over. LESSON LEARNED. Don't try to push yourself on a bad day, don't do fucking shots, and don't piss in the wrong bathroom. Ah... comedy.
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